16 February 2007

Neutral Thoughts

I am unsure of how to give form to my thoughts.
They are full of weight but without any color of their own.

I am not afraid or even nervous. Nor am I filled with idealized expectations. I just take each day as it presents itself - working through my lists, collecting objects for my journey, and visiting with friends who will soon be distant. I have no doubts or hesitation. Nothing present but this singular vision and purpose. Somedays, my curious mind will ponder what will come of me when I return, but such thoughts pass quickly.

Is this what a calling feels like?

I want to be able to provide a snapshot of my mental state for future reflection, but I struggle with pining such neutral emotions on a page.

I prod seemingly sensitive aspects of my departure to conjure some more romantic ideal to write about. I think about leaving my friends. I reflect on how so much changed last time I left them for just a half a year. But then I also recall how each of those dear to me remained as they were despite their external circumstances altering. Each friend retained all aspects of their personality that had endeared them to me in the first place. So there is no regret at leaving them to pursue their own journeys.

Its strange... I have finally found some form of contentment in this life and yet I still grasp blindly for something to struggle against. I am more aware, more present than ever before and I am chaffing with the ease of it. I have a long way to go yet.