13 April 2007

Accomidating Uncertanity

The last two weeks have been a disorienting combination of frantic preparations, tense waiting, and frail attempts at meaningful activity.

I understand that I am the type of person who feels they need to be continually engaged in a directed purpose. If I am in a situation where I have little control over my environment and I am given to much time on my hands, I will become restless and unmotivated. I would like to imagine myself using this time to meditate and do yoga or another activity that would encourage my personal growth. I envision myself lingering over cups of tea and reading some insightful words.

What do I do instead? I sleep in, unable to force myself from the apathetic blanket of half-consciousness. And unless I have specific tasks set out for the day that I must accomplish, I waste my time on the internet... pretending to occupy my time with lists and Word documents. Taking digital figments of reality and re-organizing them into tidy files. Essentially, trying to make order out of illusion.

Previously, this was enough to fool my mind into thinking it was occupied. But I have a new perspective. I see these actions a just subtle distractions. My mind working against its despondent attitude. I also have the experience of being in a distant place, in similar circumstances but I was unable to as easily escape my dejected state. I was forced to face my malaise and take measures to alter my mood out of cultural and professional necessity.

What does all this amount to? Perhaps, if I make the effort to schedule my days with more structure I will be able to convince my fickle emotional self that such activities are worthwhile.